November, 2009

An Area Woman was discovered early this morning by her neighbors after repeated requests shouted through her door to "shut that cat the hell up" went unanswered for four days.

The woman, recently the victim of a spate of Job-like bad luck, had recently suffered the greatest of all humiliations, when she found that she could not even get herself arrested. After hurling a desktop computer out her window and waiting, naked, on the street, for the sirens, she was mortified when the policemen on the scene commiserated with her and admitted that they " had always wanted to do the very same thing."

Eyewitnesses were not sure whether the police were referring to the vandalism or the nudity, but said they were afraid to ask.

Sources close to the victim "but only in proximity," said her next-door neighbor "we don't think she actually had, you know, friends" state that her most recent disappointment involved some ill-fitting slipcovers.

"She was hoping for a whole new look for the place, but they were just so wrinkled. It really threw her for a loop."

Apparently those slipcovers were the very last straw.

The woman was found in a magenta and teal kimono next to an empty container of haagen dazs, clutching a spoon in one sticky hand and a cat toy in the other. This captured toy mousie was the source of an ongoing one-sided tug of war and the basis for all the feline commotion, or so it seems. EMS workers, when asked how they dealt with the situation said, "Well, she was no problem--seeing how she was catatonic and all, but boy, was that cat pissed."